Mr.Good Deal

I know its been awhile, but the important thing is I'm back to entrain you. Or at least try to make an attempt to give you something interesting to read while you are bored or just trying to ignore customers at work.So without further ado lets begin todays rant.

Customers come in what I like to think three kinds of shoppers. You have your amateur shopper, or the go in get what you need and leave. No fighting about the prices no driving around to get the best price and they almost never bother anyone. You then have your semi-professional shopper, this brand of customer likes to do some shopping around, generally does his or her research and every so often makes a mediocre attempt to haggle a better price. Asks for more help then the previous customer. But, they are by far more tolerable than our third well lets say person. I'll try to keep it PG.

The third kind of customer well, they are a little more interesting. I call them Mr. Good Deal. They do a lot more research, ask for a lot more help but their biggest trait is they always try to get a "good deal". These over friendly, self delusional "professional hagglers'" mission in life is to get something free or for fifty percent off. They will talk your ear off and try to build a mock friendship, tell you sob stories of how they can't afford it at that price or this price with the economy the way it is. While you yell in your head at the top of your mental lungs, "JUST SHUT UP. I DON'T CARE!" I know there isn't such a thing, so shut up. I'm the one taking the time to write the blog so its my freaking rules.

Some even tell you that you should be happy they are here shopping since not so many people aren't at the moment because of the bad economy. I know the balls on these people. Can you believe it?

Sometimes they have the delusion that because of their purchase you will get your pay check next week. Yes, these self centered assholes believe that they are the single driving force behind your weekly paycheck. So its completely O.K. to remind them that they dint buy anything last week but some how you still got paid as if by magic.

Other times they believe that their purchase is the driving force keeping your store or chain in business. Yes, shopper in general do keep the business flowing and make it so that many retail workers have a job. But the Mr. and Mrs. Good Deal believe that they are the single driving force keeping you or your store in business and you should make sure they get a deal . They will find one hundred and one excuses why this should be the case usually starting with "I've spent a lot of money here." Don't get me wrong I am not against a deal sometimes I spend hours online trying to research the best price for what ever gadget or new jeans I feel like I need. But I never use my loyalty towards a particular brand or store as a way to try and force a bigger discount. The reason why I'm particularly loyal to said brand or store is because of their great service, the quality of products or just the great prices. We are in grim economic times after all. So Mr. and Mrs. good deal, please "shut the fuck up!"

But the most important part of Mr and Mrs. Good deal is that no matter what deal you get for them. It will almost never be good enough. Yep, they always want more. "Something else thrown in" or "Maybe a little more money of that one." Their magical fluctuating wallet justs to either needing even more money off the item they where initially looking at or its grown a bit all of the sudden allowing them to buy something else, but of course only if you can manage to get them a deal on that also.

So next time you have to deal with one of these delusional creatures that live in the world of make believe feel free to grab and ass hand it to them and ask them. "Can you please show me, where it says he haggle prices anywhere in here"

Kids...

I'm Ok with kids... don't mind them much. For the most part if they aren't crying or yelling about something, I can deal with them. Most of them really like me, must be their evil responding to some of my own evil. Well at least that's what I tell myself, so I don't have to deal with the fact that apparently I'm a very likable person. Or so people say....

But let's get to my point. Parents don't seam to able to control their kids in a retail store.

Is as if the automatic door of a retail store is freaking kryptonite to their parenting ability. They let their kids run wild around the store screaming and throwing merchandise and the best they can do is say "Johnny, don't try to throw your sister in that pool is not nice." While I'm yelling in my head "I mean really that's all you say lady!!" and trying to curve my desire to dump little johnny and his ugly little sister into the pool. That way I can teach the lesson his mother wanted to teach him and at the same time teaching his mother to be a little more active when it comes to controlling their kids. What about the little sister? You ask. Well she'll learn to stop winning and next time punch little johnny on the neck.

And people don't believe I'm willing to do some good once in a while.

So really people, control your kids, because if you don't. Next time I see your little bugger playing catch in the middle of my store. I will set that stupid little ball on fire and watch the fear and confusion spread through their face.

Just becuase you asked twice...

One of my favorite things about retail is, people asking you the same shit twice.

Ok I lied, its not really my favorite. But, if you have ever worked retail you have to admit its pretty funny to sit there and just repeat yourself.

Ok, so its not funny all the time. But hey, look on the bright side at least you get to make fun of them once they leave.

I've never understood why people insist in following your answer with, "What do you mean you dont have it?" or "Are you sure?"

Usually whenever I hear any of those two or the countless unintelligent responses all I can think is "Jackpot!" So I do what any other reasonable retail employee would do... and that is fuck with this dumb poor bastard.

Well, ok so maybe not reasonable, if you have worked retail for anything more than a year, there is not a reasonable cell in your body. If there is well... um not sure what to say to you, freak!

But How do we fuck with this poor fool who apparently all of the sudden either forgot the meaning of most English words or develop some hearing problem... well you come up with some pretty elaborate story of course.

For example, customer walks in looking for a seasonal item. At the end of the season. You tell him in your best "I give a shit" tone that "Unfortunately being the end of the season" we have run out of such said item.

Well, Que in the stupid response "What do you mean?"

So you response loosing a bit of your "I give a shit" tone "We don't have it, sorry we are out of stock"

To which the customer will say "That sucks" and walk away or the self absorbed asshole who you have been praying all morning to deal with so he gives you something great to laugh at later responds "This is Unacceptable" or my personal favorite "That is an unacceptable answer"

So what do you do. Well if you are me you say the following, "Well you see, the purple elephants from Dumbo needed those, so they all came in. They where like 50 of them. Bought them all, they said something about selling them on e-bay, for more." Flash a sheepish smile the self absorbed asshole will either get really pissed in which case your story is going to be really interesting. Or he will just walk away and you will then assume that, that was the acceptable answer he was looking for.

Blind or just Stupid?

"Just think how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of them are even stupider!" --George Carlin

One of the very few great things about working retail is that you get to see all kinds of stupid. Its a constant reminder that life could be worst. You could be the stupid person that walks thru those automatic doors.

Now, I'm not saying that all customers are stupid. But that most are. Some rare gems and most of them work retail themselves are very smart and most often than not, quite enjoyable to deal with.

But I digress. Have you ever at your job helping a customer wearing what ever goofy fuck outfit corporate decided would be the in store uniform with a name badge that clearly and boldly display the stores name, and gotten this question from another person waiting to get helped? "Do You Work Here?" But now lets take a step further. Lets say you are the only three people in the store and just for shits and giggles lets say its eight forty five and the said store closes at nine.

If you have, you understand that at that poing, there are about three things that rush thru your head at the same time. A, "This dude is a fucking idiot, I should punch him in the face for being so painfully stupid. B, This dude is the reason why people with low IQ's should be neutered and spayed. And finally C, look around you. Look at your shirt, adjust your name badge and innocently say "no". Walk away and watch that person sit there scratching their head trying to figure out, what fuck just happened.

Trust me always go with "C" it will make you feel better and don't worry about them making a complaint. Trust me on this if they actually realise that you where being rude. They will be to embarrassed to complain. But if they do complain, your manager will be too busy laughing to actually take what happened seriously. But best of all you'll have a great story to tell everyone.

Destine For Great Things

"You are destined for great things" my grandmother said once.

I believed her.

I still believe her.

Now, that when she said "great things" she meant things like finding the cure for cancer, helping find a solution to world hunger or finding a way to make world peace. And that when I thought of "great things", I thought of scarring a kindergarten class for life as I yelled at the top of my lungs that Santa Claus was not real and the dead bunny in my hands was the Easter bunny. Or instead of finding a cure for cancer, trying to find new and creative ways for people to get it sounded much more fun.

Yeah I'm a little messed up. But, I wasn't this way. I had a soul once and I think at one point, I actually had a "happy thought". But not anymore.

Why? You ask. Well, because I work in retail. As time passes and I continue to share bits of life and some of my best stories and day to day interaction with people in the daring world of retail. I'm sure you'll start to see things a little more like I do...

Don't get me wrong. I'm the kinda guy that sees the glass as being half full. I just see that the water is a little darker than you think.

The Day I Traded My Soul For A Little Cash.

A day like no other, or so I thought.

But boy was I wrong. This was the day that my high school photo teacher would tell me about "A great opportunity".

"Great opportunity" my ass. More like the beginning of the end for my soul and the last bit of "human" in me. The so called great opportunity was a job at a chain electronics store. I have to admit it sounded awesome at the time. I was sixteen and would be able to make lots of money selling Digital Cameras something, I really enjoyed learning and playing with. But after a few weeks of working at what I now call the first layer of hell. I would learn to passionately hate... well at least for the time I worked there.

When ever I close my eyes and ask myself. How did I end up here? I remember the hiring manager at for the sake of keeping those involved anonymous, well call purgatory.(so what if I've held on to that name for a long time trying to find the perfect time to use it...) Had this hungry look on his eyes as I signed the "Welcome Team Member" paper work. When I finished and handed it in, he flashed me an impish smile, he welcomed and thanked me. I know understand why he really thanked me. I had just added my soul to pit of retail.

I still remember the training videos, and a feeling as if every once of happiness being sucked out of me as the hours and hours of videos progressed.

...and that's the day I traded my soul for a little cash.