Kids...

I'm Ok with kids... don't mind them much. For the most part if they aren't crying or yelling about something, I can deal with them. Most of them really like me, must be their evil responding to some of my own evil. Well at least that's what I tell myself, so I don't have to deal with the fact that apparently I'm a very likable person. Or so people say....

But let's get to my point. Parents don't seam to able to control their kids in a retail store.

Is as if the automatic door of a retail store is freaking kryptonite to their parenting ability. They let their kids run wild around the store screaming and throwing merchandise and the best they can do is say "Johnny, don't try to throw your sister in that pool is not nice." While I'm yelling in my head "I mean really that's all you say lady!!" and trying to curve my desire to dump little johnny and his ugly little sister into the pool. That way I can teach the lesson his mother wanted to teach him and at the same time teaching his mother to be a little more active when it comes to controlling their kids. What about the little sister? You ask. Well she'll learn to stop winning and next time punch little johnny on the neck.

And people don't believe I'm willing to do some good once in a while.

So really people, control your kids, because if you don't. Next time I see your little bugger playing catch in the middle of my store. I will set that stupid little ball on fire and watch the fear and confusion spread through their face.

Just becuase you asked twice...

One of my favorite things about retail is, people asking you the same shit twice.

Ok I lied, its not really my favorite. But, if you have ever worked retail you have to admit its pretty funny to sit there and just repeat yourself.

Ok, so its not funny all the time. But hey, look on the bright side at least you get to make fun of them once they leave.

I've never understood why people insist in following your answer with, "What do you mean you dont have it?" or "Are you sure?"

Usually whenever I hear any of those two or the countless unintelligent responses all I can think is "Jackpot!" So I do what any other reasonable retail employee would do... and that is fuck with this dumb poor bastard.

Well, ok so maybe not reasonable, if you have worked retail for anything more than a year, there is not a reasonable cell in your body. If there is well... um not sure what to say to you, freak!

But How do we fuck with this poor fool who apparently all of the sudden either forgot the meaning of most English words or develop some hearing problem... well you come up with some pretty elaborate story of course.

For example, customer walks in looking for a seasonal item. At the end of the season. You tell him in your best "I give a shit" tone that "Unfortunately being the end of the season" we have run out of such said item.

Well, Que in the stupid response "What do you mean?"

So you response loosing a bit of your "I give a shit" tone "We don't have it, sorry we are out of stock"

To which the customer will say "That sucks" and walk away or the self absorbed asshole who you have been praying all morning to deal with so he gives you something great to laugh at later responds "This is Unacceptable" or my personal favorite "That is an unacceptable answer"

So what do you do. Well if you are me you say the following, "Well you see, the purple elephants from Dumbo needed those, so they all came in. They where like 50 of them. Bought them all, they said something about selling them on e-bay, for more." Flash a sheepish smile the self absorbed asshole will either get really pissed in which case your story is going to be really interesting. Or he will just walk away and you will then assume that, that was the acceptable answer he was looking for.